HR 669? No way!

I was looking in the animal section of Craigslist today (as I always do) and I came across some notice about a bill before Congress called HR 669 which bans non native wildlife including (but not limited to) almost all aquarium fish, birds, small tank animals like gerbils, and hamsters, and animals like ferrets, lizards and even some imported dog and cat varieties. We can not allow this to pass so please even if you do not have a pet think of us who do and go to http://www.nohr669.com and send a letter to your Representative and say no to this awful bit of time and money wasting misuse of the system!  

They told me he was bad...

In the first post I made mention of my birth father and that is one part of my story that I could say so much about but I will say that I would be remiss to not add a good bit about him since he changed so much more in his absence then he ever could have in his presence.

I was told he was a bad person not only that he was a liar, a cheater, a grease monkey degenerate, but a child molester as well and to add to that that he had one one of the only visits I was ever allowed with him (when I was 3)molested me. I was so young that even if he did it I do not remeber it and oh boy did I try to remember my mother took me to so many doctors and therapists, I was studied and poked and hypnotized all in an effort to make me remeber something I still have no memeory of and all the years I spent with the school shrinks was for nothing and the kids calling me a freak when they called me down over the loud speaker for my appointments was for nothing. I not only resented my mother for making me do this but I also did not believe her about my father and I got it in my head that he was a knight in armor that would come and rescue me and take me away from my mother and my awful step-father so as time went on I bulit up this idea of him that was only fed when I was 12 and my mother got him on the phone for me and he told me how much he loved me and how bad my mother and step-father had been, that they were liars and he would come and get me on his harley some day very soon he just needed to sell one of his other bikes to get the money for the trip. Well I am sure you cn all guess what happened next, he never did come, and sometime later me mom threw out his number from one of my diary pages and I did not hear from him again. I convinced myself my mother was to blame for this that she had given him the wrong address and he was looking for me. Well weeks turned to months and then to years, all the years that mattered to a girl and my feelings of rejection grew but I always told myself he was not to blame it was my evil mother and her ass faced husband that caused all my sorrow. When i turned 18 I knew the time had come I could find him if I wanted and she could do nothing about it, so I started searching, I looked on the internet, the local papers where he last lived I called courthouses, and hired private detectives. After about 3 years I found better things to do with my time and money since I felt it was going nowhere. Time past and I got the itch again it was after my first husband left and by then I had a computer of my own so I would stay up late chain smoking and searching again nothing, but something inside me told me to search the prison system and sure enough there he was one day like any other, except this time the search results told me more in a moment then the rest of my life as a total. He had been in prison for the last 7 years (of a life sentence) for raping my sister and I felt my world fell apart. I wanted so badly to believe that she had lied and now it seemed impossible that she had been right but I could not argue facts but I wanted him so much I had to know more I had to talk to him and ask him what happened and why he did it, and if he did it to me. The next day I called the prison and soon after he was one the phone he told he had been set up that my sister was a liar and that his case would soon be overturned, everything I wanted to hear. Over the next few months he talked me into coming to see him, which was no small task since it was clear across the country and I had 2 small children. I went to find the real answers the ones you can only get by looking into someones eyes, well I had a hint of the real him when I hugged him goodbye it was a hug not like a father should and rather then get the right away I pushed it again to the back of my mind and said to myself he is my father and I love him well a few months went by and it was 3 years ago Christmas and since there are no stores in prison he made me something it was a diagram complete with scale drawings, item list, and marketing ideas for a machine that masterbates fat girls he called it a "Exergasm" and I knew that only a sick person would send that to their child for a gift. It was then that I realized my dream of him was dead, and with that a part of me died as well. I have not spoken to him since I moved to a new city, and changed my number. Now I speak of him as a memory he can do me no harm because I will not let him, and he will never hurt anyone else the judge I sent my "present" to promissed me he will never again be free. That was 3 years ago but for once I am free.

A true Second Life

In my very first post to PNN I told of my true love and since then have left him seemingly out until now.

Several years ago I had come to a dating crossrroads every guy I dated either was an ex on a revist to my gardens or some loser from high school that missed a good thing the first time and since they realized they would not ever find better but I had decided none of them was the man for me. I had two small sons with a tramatic veiw of men in their lives and I needed to make a true change not only for myself but those who depended on me. I found my life at a stopping place without direction and I made my unhappiness known to a lifelong on and off boyfriend (who was onish at the time) of being bored with life in my small town. He being more into internet trends then I was at the time said I shoudl check out a place called Second Life, a virtual online universe made entirely by its residents and what I found there was so much more then a game or a internet phenom it was a a revelation. In this world I could shed my past, my pain, my body, my shame and blossom into the true form of my pure uninhibited self. I was surprised at what my true self turned out to be and she did not come out at once but once I realized  that I was for once free I could no longer hold her in. I knew I always was a pretty girl in hiding (like born in the wrong body) and so when I got in Secondlife I found a job I would not only be adored for my beauty I would be paid well for it. I started out as a pole dancer (I know silly) but I was paid very well and I loved being on display it gave me a sense of sexy I had not had before. not long after I started that job a dark haired, pale skinned beauty came to the club looking for work and as soon as I saw her I was smitten, now I am not now, nor have I ever been a lesbian, but this girl was different somehow and I knew I had to spend time with her to find out why, and I would have my chance. A week of so later she asked in the staff chat for help with adjusting her jewlery (she was new to SL and it is hard to get right if you do not know how to do it) so I saw my chance and I took it and we spent a long time talking she lived across the country from me and was married and had 2 kids, well ok my heart was a bit sad but as she spoke I noticed something was off and so I asked more questions til she told the truth she was in fact a he. His name was James and was very unhappy in his marriage but had sole custody of his daughter by his first wife and her sister  and his second wife had no rights to them. I offered to befriend his wife (who also was a SL resident) and so I did and I told her that he was unhappy with her and tried to help and over the weeks she did nothing (if anything she was worse) and so I broke down and let myself hope for us and to tell the truth it was the first hope I had had in a very long time. After a month or so we started talking on the phone and one thing lead to another and before I knew it I was totaly in love with him. Everytime we hung up I could feel my heart sink a bit and was so driven to have him with me I could barely breath. So my plan was to give one more try to save his marriage as I do not believe in breaking up families and he did have kids (which I was also in love with) and he had told me that they had not had sex in 3 months (since we had met) and so I tried to give her some tips to get them back on track well lets just say it did not work and soon I could tell it was over. She IMed me in SL and said James was coming home early from work and a moment later he came on and said she was moving out that it was over. That night I could feel a shift we talked for hours on end and it lasted with two very important things a long awaited set of I love yous and some of the best phone assisted SL sex that has ever been had. On that day I knew if I could have this man I would never let him go. So my brain went into overdrive trying to find the way to put his life and mine together, and I figured we would have to wait a bit so we had to stay apart for a few more months and in the meantime we enjoyed all that SL had to offer we lounged on beautiful beaches, we shopped, we laughed, we made love, we went to shows all from our homesmore then 2000 miles away. To this day we sit 10 feet from each other and walk the lands that first held our hopes and dreams, only now we understand that without this magical place we would not have our large family or the peace and happiness we so enjoy. I would like to invite each of you to come and visit us in Second Life at socendlife.com you can search for people and in that land My name is Narcia Seelowe we can all go have coffee, go skydiving, visit lands of unicorns and dragons, or come to my house for a barbque. Being I can not know you in this life I hope I will get to meet you in secondlife.

Insanity ensues!

In a new way I plan on making changes not only to myself but hopefully to those who read here. I may take some time to provide some background information for you all so that you can better understand my ever changing perspective.

I was born in Florida in 1980 and while I seem young to some I am hearing that less and less which only seems to make me more paranoid about getting older but since I still get carded buying wine I must not look my age.

I was raised by my mother and grandmother in my early years I was told my father was a bad person so I could not see him. So we three stayed together until my mother decided to remarry (again) when I was five, and 9 months later (to the day) my baby sister was born, and that is when everything changed for yours truly. I switched from number one to not being on the list. Being labeled the "funny looking bad child"and I can say it was all downhill from there. Now I will say right now I was never fat as a child but I was plump and liked my food well my step dad thought I was repulsive and of course my sister was his perfect mini me, needless to say life was hard for me, but enough of that misery for now. 

When I got to high school things had not improved and I made it a point to seek attention from people who did not love me as a way to be sure nobody did, and I succeeded in a way reserved for the people at pitiful ends. I got pregnant when I was 15 and my parents in their usual way condemned me in a way I never thought was possible, I knew I could never care for that child but they decided that I would anyway. Six months after one of the most beautiful children ever made was born my life reached a boiling point and my parents turned over custody of me to the state and washed their hands of me. I had grown to love this small boy with my whole heart but I knew with ever passing day that I was not the mother he deserved and I had to prepare myself for what I had to do, one year after his birth I gave him a new and far better life then the one he was born to.

I stayed in state care until my 18th birthday when they tossed me alone into a world I had no real idea about and was in no way prepared for. I got my own apartment and did as any kid does and invited people over to party not knowing I had let my doom in by the front door, but it would stay with me long after I had let it out. Two men I had let come over a few times broke into my home and beat, stabbed, and raped me repeatedly for a 6 hour period. I can say now that while I do not wake up screaming anymore I can feel those hands on me in my dreams even when I am awake.

I spent years after that running from those things and maybe from myself never able to outrun any of them. 

I found out I was pregnant again in 2000 and I had to stop running and let my past catch me if I was going to have a future, and this time I knew the choice was all mine. I knew the pain of having to let go of a child and knew I could not do it again even if the pain of the past could find me. I put down my roots and had another beautiful son who taught me so much more then just responsibilities, he and I lived a 300 sq. ft. mini shack but it was just us and I learned what it was to love and be loved without strings or regrets. His father never wanted anything to do with him because he did not care for me and that was fine with me but as time went on I decided he needed a father as all boys do but being who I am I went about finding him the wrong way and I settled for the first guy who would have us. That was a mistake my husband lied, cheated, stole, beat, abused and scammed his way out of our lives leaving me another amazing son and an excessive amount of credit card debit.

It was soon after he left that I stopped trying to find another man and just was myself for the first time with my boys and my wits and got into school and bought my first computer. I started out just doing school but at days end I was lonely so somebody I knew said to try a place online called Second Life (which I did) and I met there the man that would change everything for me and mine. He was unlike any person I had ever known, in Second Life you can make any type of avatar you like and when I met him he looked like a woman so I was not on the man alert, and I felt comfortable with him and just as I was thinking I might turn into a lesbian for this person he told me he was a man but preferred female AV's for their better clothing options (funny right?) when he said that I knew I was in love. For all of you who just laughed at the picture here is food for thought we now have 5 kids (his 2 my 2 and our 1) and just had our second aniversary.

There is so much more to say but that is another story more tomorrow.

Victims?

Well after purging here the other day I felt like I needed some time to consider my next course of action and what sort of response I was really interested in getting in writing this blog and it occured to me that like the rest of my life I should let it take it's natural course and if the people I want to reach are ready to hear what I have to say then they will find their way here.

I have always been a creature of the earth and believed the forces of my maker would guide me to say and do the things I need to be who I am to become. That is the one thing all people have in common, somewhere deep inside lies all the things we have ever needed to make the choices and changes we need to become whole. I spent years with therapists and doctors trying to "fix" the hurt of my younger years and at some point I had to come to the place where I healed myself by realizing I was the one with all the power and those people who hurt me could only keep hurting me if I let them. I do not believe there are real victims after a certain point just people who are giving away power to people and events that no longer need to affect them. Nobody can take anything from you that you do not give away.

Love

I have had hard time with love, most of the time it confused me and the other half of the time I felt like it was some secret thing everyone was in on but me. For the first time in my whole life I feel like I really love the person I am with and I am often left wondering why in all my travels and many boyfriends I failed to feel one bit of anything but lust for these people. Sure a lot of my ex-boyfriends where no good jerks but those that were ok left me feeling like if I never saw them again it would be too soon. I had accepted that I would never feel those butterfly feelings for someone. When I met my man and being a cynic in this area I thought I had the flu or something as I am perhaps the least romantic person on the planet. I am one who questions the sincerity of all that lovey crap it sort of makes me puke when other people do it since most people who do it in public are phonies. For a long time I wondered if I was some sort of sociopath and needed real help but since I met my sweetie it occurs to me that I am indeed normal just choosey. Ladies these days (men too I suppose) are too free with their hearts so it stands to reason that if we keep giving our hearts to everyone who comes along what are we really saving and who are we saving it for? I do so wish for every person out there who wants love so badly that they stop and learn to love themselves first so that you get the true love you deserve.